My Guilty Conscious

My guilty conscious.

I’ve made a few mistakes in the last few nights. In an attempt to not worry about it considering everything is ok, I will not mention what those mistakes were. Let’s just say that I was not thinking and I was rather annoyed at what I was missing or what I was supposed to be doing. That being said: I feel guilty.

So if you’ve ever danced with me, that means mostly follows, you should know that I apologize a lot during a dance every time I make a stupid little move mistake. Even off the dance floor I apologize. If I make some crude joke, depending on who is around, I will apologize for minutes at a time. I let stuff linger on me for a while. The good thing is that it is never too long that it is life altering. But for a few hours or a few days, I might linger on to my guilt on some big mistake I may have done.

I don’t like to cuss around people who I know are pretty religious. Why? It’s not fair to them. I know they are used to hearing cuss words. Recently I dropped a few f-bombs, and $#!+ out there in front of a few pretty religious people. Why? I was annoyed at myself for not doing something that night. Again: I will not mention what that was because it doesn’t matter.

So why do I apologize so much?

A few weeks ago I made a few innuendos online towards a friend. Because I didn’t know how she would respond, I immediately responded without even giving her time to laugh or respond. Then it all came together. She realized something about me. It wasn’t that I apologized but why I was so apologetic. As a dance partner, she knows how much I apologize for even the smallest things in the world. So, we started talking about it. And I think we figured out why I am so apologetic: my religion.

As you know, I’m not religious. I don’t go to church. I don’t worship God. I don’t practice most of the traditions the rest of my family does. I’m not sorry for that. It’s just not for me. However, I was born into a religious family. Both sides of my family are practicing Catholics. I used to go to mass. I used to persignar. I used to pray. Well… I still pray. I still believe in an omnipotent being. I did all the religious things. (a future post will talk about my faith.)

When I told my friend that I was raised Catholic, she put 1 and 1 together. Catholics are very repentant. Since I was raised catholic, I think I still have some of the beliefs lingering on me, including repentance. Maybe I feel the need to apologize not to please God, but to please others. I feel that I need to regain the trust of others but don’t know how, so I take the apology route. I don’t know if this works. I’m not trying to make mistakes but mistakes happen. While I’m not entirely sure why I am so apologetic, I will stick to this idea that my former religious faith has made me this way.

My mistakes on the dance floor don’t linger on me after a dance but it is worth mentioning since that is where most of my mistakes come from. It is not the actual mistakes that I apologize for but how it might affect my dance partner. Dancing is a tricky sport, and I know that my hand may accidentally slip, I tend to notice that and that is what I apologize for the most, whether the follow notices or not.
I will continue to have a guilty conscious for the smallest things on the dance floor, and but will continue to not let them linger on me like a ball and chain. For my bigger mistakes, those guilty feelings will linger on for a while, whether it be a few hours or a few days. And please bear with me for that is how I am, whether I am forgiven or not. I am human, I make mistakes, I sometimes don’t think about things twice before taking action, but I’m willing to admit that I, too, can make mistakes like everyone else and will gladly take the blame for it. For now, I will put all this in the past and move on, like I’ve been told to.



I wrote this post in an attempt to make others aware of the things they do. Why do you apologize so much? Why do you cuss so much? Do you have anger issues and don’t know why?